Coopers Owners Declare They Love Big Brother, Offer to Help Round up More Humans


The owners of the Australian brewing company Coopers have rightly been forced to read a hastily-written public apology for using the Coopers label as a platform to hold a debate between two Liberal Party MPs on the issue of same-sex marriage. In the video, Mr and Mrs Cooper stated:

“Look, we’re sorry for everything. We know we did the wrong thing, and we’re sorry. We know there is stuff we don’t even know we did wrong, so we’re sorry for that too. We know we aren’t even doing this apology correctly either, but please, we’re sorry for that too.”

Understandably, this blatant exhibition of unconscious bias has been met with a flurry of reprimanding headlines from Fairfax, “17 examples of white privilege demonstrated in the Coopers apology video”, The Guardian, “23 reasons why grovelling apologies are not enough”, and the ABC, “It’s time for a national discussion on the top 38 reasons why Coopers should be nationalised”.

The Coopers owners continued:

“We love Big Brother, and we sincerely regret the hurt, trauma and inconvenience caused to the proletariat of the People’s Democratic Republic of Australia. We pledge our support to several organisations dedicated to the eradication of Christianity, because we are a company for all Australians. We welcome our new SJW overlords, and we would like to remind them that as trusted business owners, we can be helpful in rounding up other humans to toil in their underground sugar caves.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that an unpublished portion of footage has been lurking in the dark corners of the internet, where one of the Coopers owners bursts out, “Look please, you have to let us go! We have kids goddammit! You people are animals….” before being dragged off set.

The Coopers have not been seen since. The AFL is refusing to confirm or deny that they will be publicly disembowelled by Adam Goodes as a precursor to the opening round next weekend.

  • Karen Dwyer

    I decided I wasn’t going to watch that clip then accidentally activated it when scrolling down to comments.

    As,wooden as Johnny Depp and Amber Heard re the non-quarantined doggies.

    Didn’t see to the end, but what I didn’t manage to avoid made David’s satire almost non-satirical (a reflection on Mr & Mrs Cooper, not on David’s talents). Sick making.

    • David Hiscox

      As usual Karen, the satire I am proudest of is the satire which doesn’t really seem like satire at all.

      • Karen Dwyer

        And brilliant it is too. The bit that is particularly chilling and sparkling satire:

        “Unconfirmed reports indicate that an unpublished portion of footage has been lurking in the dark corners of the internet, where one of the Coopers owners bursts out, ‘Look please, you have to let us go! We have kids goddammit! You people are animals….’ before being dragged off set.”

        Two reasons I couldn’t watch: their cowardly throwing of the Bible Society under the bus; and the feeling that there were guys with coshes just off-screen….

        You’ve excelled yourself.

  • Shoshanna Silcove

    The board of directors of Coopers Brewery have been relocated to a re-education camp in an undisclosed location.

  • Shoshanna Silcove

    The newly appointed Commissar of LGBTQI Rights has ordered the board of directors of Coopers Brewery to be relocated to a re-education camp. There they will be taught the correct attitudes, and cured of their homophobic disease through rigorous daily viewings of movies such as The Birdcage and Milk, as well as classes given by George Takei. The Commissar is hopeful this experience will rid the Coopers board members of their heterosexual privilege.

  • Warty2

    And we wonder why little Billy Shorten is calling for a parliamentary vote on SSM. He knows that the militant, intolerant, Marxist, totalitarian, heterophobic LGBTI mob are likely to turn everyone, who might have stupidly voted in favour of SSM, against this totalitarian bunch of losers.
    And the story doesn’t end there, because these Cooper drop kicks had already obtained halal certification for their products, which means we are paying ‘Jizya with willing submission’, and so funding a whole lot of Muslim schools where boys refuse to shake the hands of women, and where girls are sent overseas for a little genital snip or two with an unsavoury razor blade and then required to marry some smelly old bloke, with a bit of last week’s breakfast in his overgrown beard, and happens to be some thirty, forty years her senior.
    Life is good.

    • Addelad

      Alcohol is haram; halal for beer seems a paradox

      • Bikinis not Burkas

        No you ate 100% incorrect alcohol is halal please read and study Islam, 99.99% of Muslims don’t study it either!
        Quran 4:43 says you can drink just don’t be pissed when you pray!

        you who have believed, do not approach prayer while you are intoxicated
        until you know what you are saying or in a state of janabah, except
        those passing through [a place of prayer], until you have washed [your
        whole body]. And if you are ill or on a journey or one of you comes from
        the place of relieving himself or you have contacted women and find no
        water, then seek clean earth and wipe over your faces and your hands
        [with it]. Indeed, Allah is ever Pardoning and Forgiving.

        • Addelad

          Wow! I know many Muslims who just love whisky, but until you just corrected me, I assumed they were evil and would get only 71 virgins. Thank-you!

  • aussiegooner

    I have emailed Coopers to inform them that I won’t buy their products from now on. PC cowardice and an attack on free speech are enough for me to dump Coopers.

  • Dom Inic

    The original video has been taken down as requested by Coopers

    But here is a reconstruction with full audio and some still images

  • Tom

    Love your satire and your headlines by the Presstitute Totalitarians (Fairfax, Guardian, ABC, etc.), wish Bill Leaks was still around to create an image of this (worth 1000 words)!
    Yes, the Coopers were not looking too pleased, very uncomfortable in the company of LGBT fanatics. Seems like they think that the LGBT elites don’t deserve to drink their lite ales! But then again, elites, lites and lies seem to go together, don’t they?