Proof of Russian Hackers Found

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Mattys Modern Life

Conclusive, undeniable proof has been found that Russia hacked the election. It has been produced and it is going to destroy Donald Trump. It implicates him in the hacking of the election. We can now be without doubt that Trump cheated and is not the legitimate President.

The question isn’t whether or not this evidence is conclusive; I can guarantee you that it is. The question is, how did intelligence agencies obtain this information? Well, we have learned, through our exclusive sources, that it was a multi-layered investigation that needs to be explained clearly and succinctly, one step at a time.

Sexy Russian hacker, with lacky.

Firstly, an intelligence officer moved to Russia and took up a job as a low-level street drug dealer. Slowly they completed missions set to them by various drug dealers and other criminals. With each mission, new contacts were opened up, more money was made, more opportunities to purchase weapons, vehicles and even houses became available.

Reports indicate that the intelligence officer had to steal one or two cars per mission, as well as the occasional motorcycle that they also used for the odd jump off a bridge under construction, and even a couple of bank robberies.

After a number of missions had been completed, and many people had been killed, a mission finally came about where he was able to assassinate the head of the Russian mafia and take over. He succeeded and was finally in place for stage two of his mission.

As leader of the organisation, he learned of the secret plans to hack the US election, thus thrusting the great Satan Donald Trump onto the world stage. He knew that he would have to take matters into his own hands, so, learning that the FSB building was suffering from a severe pipe leak problem, decided to disguise himself as a plumber and sneak into to it find the evidence.

Finding a number of large, very deep holes at FSB headquarters, he found his previous life as an Olympic athlete, specialising in both high jump and long jump, to be extremely useful. He was able to jump over them with ease.

There are also reports that FSB headquarters was infested with turtles, and the agent was required to jump on and squash many in order to get to his end goal. We have it on good authority that the agent is allergic to turtles and would likely lose his life if he hadn’t jumped on them directly from above, making this even more successful.

When he finally reached the area where the evidence was being held, he found it was guarded by King Putin, who was actually a giant lizard in disguise! Thankfully, King Putin had a giant tail and the agent was able to swing him around really fast and throw him onto a pile of dynamite, ending his reign of terror.

Once King Putin was defeated, our hero was finally able to save the Princess!

Umm… I mean, download the evidence!

I would just like to thank this hero for all the work he put in to save the world from Donald Trump. Only his tireless effort could have thwarted King Putin’s plans, whatever they might have been. The world can sleep soundly knowing that such heroes still exist, like totally, for reals.

Mattys Modern Life writes regularly and brilliantly at https://www.minds.com/MattysModernLife.

Photo by Dapper Geek News