Rome is too Roman, says Visigothic Human Rights Commissioner


In what is now a fairly standard statement to the Senate today in Rome, Human Rights Commissioner Timus Southoftheanus declared that Rome remains far too Latino-Roman and that there must be greater ‘cultural diversity’ in the Senate, imperial bureaucracy and military forces. In the speech, called ‘Strengthening Barbarism’, Timus urged the emperor to create a federal agency to collect data and report on how much barbarisation is occurring within leadership positions.

Human Rights Commissioner Southoftheanus
I came. I saw. I conquered. Modified from Wikipedia & Flickr

‘How are we ever going to achieve full barbarisation of the empire with all these ethnic Romans still running things?’ intoned the chubby official through his barbaric moustache. ‘The process of the destruction of the Western Empire remains bogged down by stubborn Roman racism. When I see all those straight Roman noses on the Palatine, it hurts my feelz. How can we progress toward the Dark Age when there is still all this racism?’

Some senators were overheard lamenting the decline of Roman oratory since the era of Cicero and Caesar and were promptly shouted down as racists. They’ll be strangled at dawn.

‘A lack of diversity in leadership and in the imperial bureaucracy could conceivably lead to a perception of what it is to be “Roman” that does not reflect our multicultural character,’ Southoftheanus said. ‘Barbarism is the future, and the lack of authentic barbaric voices and faces in the Coliseum and the Circus Maximus is making barbarians sad’.

Southoftheanus, whose original barbaric name is unpronounceable, has also stated that Roman society is becoming ‘more sadistic’. Rather than referring to Christians being thrown to the lions and white northern European slaves being treated appallingly, Southoftheanus seems to be most alarmed by barbarians still being called barbarians in the 5th century AD.

‘Don’t they know what year it is?’ he wailed, his eyes filling with tears.

The case which seems to have motivated Southoftheanus to speak out was the recent furore caused by anti-Roman public utterances from controversial priestess Yesman Allah-Isa-Moongod. The opinionated young desert cult priestess left Rome for the province of Britannia recently, after having her feelings hurt by nasty Roman mobs shouting nasty things, like ‘Go back to the desert, Yesman’ and ‘Stay the fuck in Londinium!’ The ‘racial tinge’ of such chants were described by Southoftheanus as ‘hurtful’ and damaging to Yesman’s already precarious mental health.

It’s understood that the emperor is too busy dealing with the uprisings and revolts around the empire to comment, however the palace assures us they will look into the matter and submit to any barbarian demands so that nobody calls them racist.