12 Rules for Progressives (to save the world)

10
From imgflip.

Inspired by that piece of shit, Jordan B Peterson, and his pathetic self-help advice to young white men who feel threatened by women and minorities.

#1 Outrage Beats Courage

Some (mainly old white men and their bros) will say that determination and what they call “grit” are important qualities in a person. Jordan Peterson even says we should pick up our burdens and live with them! No, that’s bullshit – I don’t know about you, but when I complain loud enough and long enough to the right people about the things that bother me, I see RESULTS. And RESULTS are what will see us overcome.

#2 Forgiveness is an F-word

Never forgive these creeps. Did the Jews forgive the Nazis? Did Nelson Mandala forgive the South African government for imprisoning him for 50 years on Ellis Island? No – why? Because that’s WEAK. Weakness is not progressive – and forgiveness is the sign of a weak mind. Google has a saying – “it’s better to beg for forgiveness later than to ask for permission now” – sorry, but that’s more patriarchal logic we can do without.

#3 Don’t Get Suckered into Debates Over So-Called “Facts”

Guys, this one is self-explanatory, OK? You know what it’s like online when you encounter some Alt-Right troll and he’s quoting Right-Wing news stories and discredited academic studies like it’s some sort of argument against reason? Yeah, we all do – but don’t let it get to you. Remember, just put them in their place with a well-timed insult, and they’ll be on their way – they’re not too bright.

#4 Hate is Just the opposite of Love

I know this one won’t gel with fans of Rose Tico, but sometimes it IS ok under the right circumstances to fight What We Hate. Hatred is a powerful emotion that can be used by those on our side to fight intolerance, because let’s face it, we’ve all found it super frustrating just protesting peacefully or trying to get people to change their minds. But the enemies we face are very real, and they hate us – and they will do ANYTHING to destroy what we are about. Fight Hate with Hate.

#5 Surround yourself with Positive People

Yes, I know this one sounds like it’s straight out of a Tim Robbins seminar, but I have learned that life is way better once you discard the people in it that bring you down or criticise you, or feel the need to challenge your beliefs, because they claim they care. But really it’s about control and making you live THEIR truth. Well, I’m sorry, but I am going to live MY truth, and that’s going to be with people that support and agree with me. Sorry mum and dad!

#6 Don’t Assume people are smarter than you

With the power of the internet, information is literally at your fingertips, so you can be as smart as you want to be. Own your knowledge. There are so many ‘experts’ out there with opinions that can be easily refuted with a simple Wikipedia search or by doing some fact-checking on Snopes.com, so don’t back down from challenging their ‘expertise’. Just because they’re a published author or constantly talk about how many academic citations they have (I’m looking at you, Peterson) doesn’t mean they are smart people. They’re just good at pandering to their audience!

#7 #Resistance is NEVER Futile

Star Trek Next Generation’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard understood this, and so should you! #Resistance is real, it’s alive and it’s changing the world. Do not let yourself become assimilated into the Capitalist Fascist dictatorship that will take away your freedoms.

#8 Damn Right, Nazis Should be Shut Down

Look, this one’s self-explanatory. There must be NO free speech for Nazis FULL STOP. Absolutely you should meet violence with violence, can you imagine if there’d been a half-decent movement on the Left in Germany before Hitler rose to power? Don’t stand back and let that happen again. Don’t be stupid though and show your face, you don’t want to be doxxed by a white supremacist group!

#9 Stop Ignoring Your Privilege

You’re white, you’re male, you’re privileged, so just get over it. One of the most liberating feelings I ever had was realising just how much I took for granted as a white male when interacting with the world, of never having been excluded from a group because of my ethnicity, or never knowing what it must be like for a black woman to be ‘taught at’ by a white male professor, or be ‘managed’ by a white male employer. If you can’t understand this one, then I’m not even gonna try and explain it any further!

#10 Listen to Women

Women are smart, honest, kind and make decisions based on the best interests of the ‘tribe’. The fact that they’ve had to live in the shadow of men for thousands of years as second-class citizens with limited rights, means they have a deep understanding of injustice, because they’ve actually lived through oppression. Toxic masculinity brought us slavery, the Nazis, the nuclear bomb, climate change and Donald Trump – why are we still listening to men? If like me you want genuine change in the world, then learn to take a back seat and let women pilot the plane for a while.

#11 Shame is a Powerful Tool

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shut down a racist or a transphobe by taking action and calling them out on their bigotry; more often than not, the offender will back down and realise that being shamed in public or online, especially when multiple people join in, is no fun. Online campaigns against public figures whose views disagree with yours, or boycotts against businesses and advertisers that support right wing fascism or don’t have enough minorities and women in leadership positions, have worked wonders recently. So #Get Your Shame On, people!

#12 Enjoy More Soy

This last one is just my guilty pleasure, because I’m tired of seeing all the stupid #soyboy references made by ignorant alt-right trolls on social media. Seriously, you’d think they’d stop to research this stuff, right? Idiots. There are literally thousands of progressive health food shops and eateries that have sprung up in the past few years that KNOW and understand not just the health benefits of soy products, but the environmental consequences of the dairy industry. And it’s delicious. As far as I’m concerned, I’d be happy to live in the Soyviet Union, where these plebs can be locked up.

  • Alex

    Made me vomit

  • entropy

    Very good satire. Absolutely nailed the tone.

    For a moment there I thought you’d gone ‘full Piggott’.

    • Ariane

      Adam has gone Full Dutch these days…or is it Full Greek ?

      • entropy

        Full Kardashian. Or is it full Jenner?

  • Ariane
    • 9x19parabellum

      The lass on the right is the most normal. Pity she’s an air head.

    • dangerrodney

      GIRL POWER!

    • Jai_Normosone

      What swamp did the one in the middle crawl out of????

  • GasGasGasGasGas

  • Jai_Normosone

    I had to go back over the points a few times trying to work out if the writer was deadly serious or if it was really dark satire.
    I’ve taken it to be deadly serious and have now seen the error of my ways.
    I’m converted 😀