Adam Bandt grows an Au Pair

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Jack Tilley

Greens MP Adam Bandt has stepped up his attack on Peter Dutton over his alleged visa intervention on behalf of French au pair, Alexandra Deuwel.

Alexandra Deuwel.

In a shock development, Bandt has accused the Home Affairs Minister of pursuing a sinister right-wing agenda by trying to keep the au pair in the country.

“It’s qwite obvious,” said Bandt, “that Mr Dutton is trying to impose a deeply reactionary cis-normative stereotype on the diverse Australian electorate. This au pair just happens to be an ‘attractive’ ‘blonde’ ‘woman’ who shamelessly boasts, in her very job title, of having a nice ‘pair’. What sort of message is that sending to our non-binary persons who identify as mono-breasted or triple-breasted? Science has proven that having a third nipple is completely normal and can actually benefit a tolerant society. The ancient world’s Ephesian Artemis has around two dozen breasts. Would Dutton give her an extension?

“The facts are clear: Peter Dutton is a numerical-mammaphobe.

“I think today a lot of very special non-binary zits and zirs will be moving even deeper into the second-tier cocoons of their safe spaces. And who could blame them? This move of Dutton’s is the most heinous act of double-D triggering we’ve witnessed since Bob Brown mistook Richard Di Natale’s manhood for a piece of old growth logging.”

Asked by a nodding, frowning, anxiously empathising circle of hard-bitten journos if he could perhaps just clarify slightly what exactly he was saying, a clearly emotional Bandt unbuttoned his pale blue shirt to the waist, bared his pale blue chest to the cameras and cried, “We are all multi-breasted underneath! Don’t put my nipples in a box!” Then, in a rather red-faced screech, he added, “My man-spigots are not an abacus!”

True to his progressive vision, Bandt has since introduced legislation into the House which will see the term “au pair” replaced by the more diversity-friendly term “au integer”.

Photo by xubangwen

  • Sadly, this isn’t satire.

  • Repeal fake marriage

    How dare that fwooar, I mean humma humma, errrr dragle nostrang, I mean b b boobs, no, gorgeous, no not that, drool…

    What was I saying?

  • James

    What..? I got distracted..
    Did someone say Bandt jealous or something?

    I like it when progressives tell everyone they’re batty.