Breaking: Scott Morrison announces anti-association laws for nationalists

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From Twitter.

In the wake of the mass shooting on March 15 in Christchurch by a far-right extremist which resulted in the death of 50 people, the Australian Prime Minister announced this morning over breakfast that he would be introducing anti-association laws in order to prevent the spread of offline hate:

After meeting with Facebook representatives last week, which led to their plan to punish anybody who so much as praises far-right terrorist figures with expulsion from the platform, we thought, why not try something like that in real life?

I mean, it’s 2019 and we have to understand that it is completely unacceptable for white people to advocate in-group preference in any way online, so surely we should try something like that in real life.

No Australian should be discriminated against for their ethnicity or their sexuality, unless you’re a straight white male.  Protecting freedom of belief is central to the liberty of each and every Australian, unless you refuse to accept that diversity is our strength.

In fact, white people don’t even really exist, the science is settled on this. We only started thinking of ourselves as white in the last hundred years or so, and this was the sort of thinking that led to the deaths of 6,000,001 Jews in the holocaust.

There is no such thing as “the other”, which is why we have to keep bringing in 160,000 people every year from other countries. We can’t let anybody stand in the way of this government sponsored human trafficking operation, sorry, I mean the crucial boost these human cattle, sorry, I mean these new Australians provide to our economy.

The XYZ understands that the AFL will be punishing any nationalists who meet up to do livestreams with public disembowelling as part of its pregame entertainment for women’s matches.  You can view footage of the PM’s press conference here.

At the end of breakfast, the PM stuck his head up his bum and said Happy April Fools.