European governments streamline terror response

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Some European bureaucrats are even believed to be working towards the process of streamlining candlelight vigils, to lessen the ‘environmental impact of the social response to violent extremism.’

A spokesperson for several European governments has today announced what has been described as a ‘bold’ plan to streamline the response to terrorist attacks which are increasing in frequency on the continent. In future, terrorist attacks across Europe will only be responded to in an official capacity on a weekly basis, from a central point, most likely Brussels. This procedure is expected to reduce waste, increase efficiency, enhance security and deepen cooperation between European States.

The European spokesperson explained:

‘As you would all be aware, the approach by European governments to the opportunity we face by this new challenge of terrorism has been to avoid confronting the root cause, and instead manage the public narrative surrounding the issue. Such an innovative approach should help us improve on our planned outcomes in this area.

‘Moving into areas of greater programmatic specificity, we find that the phrase ‘our hearts go out to all the families of the victims,’ (although a far less problematic phrase than ‘our thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims,’ as it is far less exclusionary) still tends to lose much of its meaning when repeated by half a dozen different government officials of various countries dotted across Europe, in the space of a week. We feel we would be far better able to convey the impression that the government is proactive towards the challenges of violent extremism if we were able to make one statement, once a week, saying something along the lines of “our hearts go out to the families of the victims in Nice, Normandy, Munich, wherever.”

‘Furthermore, we are finding it far more difficult to divert people’s attention from the fact that many Muslims are murdering people because of their faith, when we are forced to respond to such murders committed by Muslims on an almost daily basis. Thus, this more measured approach of only talking about it once a week, should assist in broadening social harmony in Europe, and further our determination to exterminate the white race.

‘Finally, we feel it is a far better use of European bureaucrats’ time, experience and expertise to be finding ways to spend money we don’t have on people who don’t deserve it, rather than having to respond to every little act of mass murder.’

Several unconfirmed reports suggest that websites affiliated with the Islamic State have claimed responsibility for this latest act of European government policy.

It’s your XYZ.

Photo by Bianca Dagheti

  • x

    As a preemptive measure, public buildings in each capital will now be illumined every day in the colours of all member-nations’ flags – changing colours once every hour. The days will be will be lengthened to 28 hours to accommodate this schedule.

  • Terry

    The sad thing about this piece of political satire is that it could almost be real. If the eu did exactly what is described in this piece, it wouldn’t really surprise us too much, now would it?

    • ElvenPegasister

      The only thing I’d be surprised at would be them saying it openly.

  • Adellad

    You forgot the bit about terrorism being inherently irrational, hence there can be no motive ever ascribed to it, similarly, the terrorist – in acting as he/she has – the individual becomes effectively stateless and totally anonymous, implying no point in mentioning names or backgrounds.

    This last bit has just been introduced in France – there shall be no mention of names or images given “just in case they become the source for future martyrdom.” Not to mention the need to ensure the gormless European public are kept like mushrooms.

  • Wilbur Wilburwood

    Getting really scary! Especially when Turkey crisis overlays this and Russian/ US tension ramps up. China too.

    Troubled waters surround!