Weekend Arts: Every artist in Australia knows that public funding of the arts is unnecessary.

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The government can save billions of dollars in subsidies, grants, awards, and let’s face it, welfare payments, by removing all funding for The Arts not directly linked to tertiary education. One, and only one, cheap, simple government initiative is needed to replace the feathering of artists’ ungrateful nests.

A few hundred thousand dollars can be invested to establish a two day training course, available all over the country, but only for artists or prospective artists, teaching them how to not procrastinate. There is no need for an in depth analysis of cost-benefits or outcomes. Every artist in Australia knows that this is the truth, if only they would look into the dark depths of their soul.

imageArtists will pay for this course out of their own pockets, and they will be encouraged to take refreshers every couple of years. It will also be available online. There will be no stupid shake-hands-with-the-person-next-to-you/ faux-networking ritual on the first morning of the course. No preamble about health and safety or anti-discrimination policy. They won’t even tell you where the toilets are. Just a simple, two day course, covering the following subjects:

1) Time management and task prioritisation.

2) Business basics.

3) Advertising.

One hour of the course will be devoted to those wishing to specialise in specific fields:

Music: Musicians will be taught that melody and harmony are the building blocks of music, and are the most important factors in determining the engagement of an audience, regardless of their background. All theories to the contrary were devised by people who, in their own words, deliberately wanted to remove any pleasure from the musical experience, believing this was a “bourgeois” concept. Therefore it is no wonder that, if you write a piece for orchestra devoid of melody and harmony, nobody will like it.

Drama: Actors, directors, and screenwriters will be taught the remarkable fact that Aussies love sport, and it may be worth telling positive stories about Australian sporting history and sporting culture once in a while. Also, Aussies are eager to watch simple and honest portrayals of Australia’s involvement in war.

Artists: Messages about the life-sustaining value of a healthy eco-system, racism, or subverting the patriarchy can be transmitted without explicit depictions of intimate parts of the human body, graphic portrayals of rape, or the use of human effluence. 90% of what you do is porn.

Dance: People love to dance. You’re doing a great job. Keep it up.

Writers: Nobody likes your work. Because you are depressed. You are the only person that can do anything about this.

Artists are some of the most energetic, brilliant people on the face of the planet. The biggest impediments to our success are our own lethargy, apathy, and the devastating and incapacitating effect of ridiculous and irrelevant academic theories devised by stupid wankers who hate themselves and hate life. With a simple grounding in productive personal habits, the fundamentals of business and economics, the definition of Art, and an understanding of what attracts people to it, Australia will have a pioneering arts industry which thrives off the hard work of its creative people.

And it will have this without the need for government assistance, which more than anything else, sustains the very aspects of Art which turns so many people away from it.

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David Hiscox
David has studied history and political science at Melbourne University. His thesis was written on how the utilisation of Missile Defence can help to achieve nuclear disarmament. His interest in history was piqued by playing a flight simulator computer game about the Battle of Britain, and he hopes to one day siphon the earnings from his political writings into funding the greatest prog-rock concept album the world has ever seen.