How to have a Respectful Relationship

4

Today’s topic is domestic violence. If I keep this up I’ll be a shoo-in for the Melbourne Writers’ Festival! I’m perfect in all other ways: Part aboriginal (1/128th is still a ‘part’, whitey), and LGBTIQAP (I’m A, for ‘asexual’, which means I never harass women by trying to have sex with them, or objectifying them). And I’m also Muslim-friendly! Ever ‘been on your knees for the Lebanese’? Well I have! My jizya is fully paid up, and then some!

By way of introducing the topic, I’d like to share a little anecdote. Last time I told you about Ravyyn Darkchylde who is a PhD student, aspiring cartoonist, grants recipient, self-cutter, and cis-woman. Well, sometimes all you have to do is say ‘cis-woman’ and the cats come out as though you’ve just uncovered some raw meat! The Department of Inequality Studies was deluged with hateful, objectifying e-mails asking ‘what Ravyyn looks like’, or ‘is she seeing someone’. They all just came out of the woodwork!

So let me acquaint you with the facts, ‘boys’. Ravyyn, who is far too good for any of you anyway, has a boyfriend, thank you. And surprise surprise, it’s an abusive relationship. First of all, he neglects her emotionally and physically. He barely ever has any contact with her. He does not cherish her, and ignores her emotional feelings. Secondly, he sends her texts, e-mails and letters which hurt her feelings, and that is a form of violence. The last text he wrote said, ‘I broke up with you six months ago. Leave me alone. I can’t deal with your issues.’ I know, right? What a control freak! This guy’s got issues, from his use of the violent word ‘broke’, to trying to make her ‘obey’ him, or subjectively judging her for her so-called ‘issues’. I’ve told Ravyyn to seek counselling or at least get an AVO for this deranged psychopath. I’ve also asked her to think about whether she might be a lesbian and to start experimenting. But she always answers that she prefers the Quarter Pounder to the Filet of Fish, whatever that means. Like I’d know. I buy all my burgers from an independent carbon-neutral vegan place downtown.

Okay, so here’s the skinny. Straight white men are violent amoral rapists who can’t be reasoned with. That’s the first thing to know. Straight white men think about sex on average every 11 seconds, and they think about clubbing a woman on the head and dragging her by the hair back to their man caves to rape them every 22 seconds. For them, sex, power and violence are inextricably linked. The only way to curb a man’s savage misogynist inclinations is by means of mandatory, government-sponsored feminist courses and propaganda campaigns on TV. The object is to make him feel guilty for being born male and identifying as straight, and make him feel shame at his ‘natural’ impulses, which are not ‘natural’ at all but are the result of thousands of years of patriarchal indoctrination and rape culture. All of this has been established by feminist researchers and is uncontroversial feminist doctrine. If you disagree, then you are a bigot and I don’t care how much ‘research and ‘objective scientific data’ you have to back up your opposing claims, you are not worth listening to because you are a bigot.

Only the sexuality and violence of straight white males is bad. Everyone else’s is fine, whether they are Muslim men who run paedophilia grooming networks in England, or the Afghan teen who groped women at the Gold Coast, or Aboriginal men, who are up to 11 times more likely to beat their wives (not to mention their kids), or Muslim men who beat their wives according to Koranic scripture, or gays and lesbians who engage in partner violence, or even chemsex enthusiasts on Grindr. Obviously, all those things are fine, or at least should never be discussed. Gosh, have a little respect for different cultures and sexualities, white male supremacist pigs! It’s a little thing called ‘cultural relativism’? Maybe you’ve heard of it? Or were you too busy oinking?

That all clear? If you’re still having trouble, just remember: white, straight and male is bad!

White males are indeed the ‘scourge among us’, but Respectful Relationships is here to save women and girls from their nightmarish 24/7 spirit-stunting fear of violence by their so-called ‘loved ones’ who are actually deranged rapists. It’s based on the known fact, uncovered by feminist researchers, that all domestic violence arises from the fact that men have more physical strength than women. It’s not because these violent men were raised by single mothers, or are alcoholic, or traumatised, or poor and desperate, criminal, downtrodden, or on drugs that they are violent; it’s simply that they are male. Men never want to use their strength for good. That is a fairy tale. It’s always for violence.

Respectful Relationships teaches straight, white boys — correctly — that they are bad for being male, and that they should feel guilty about it. It teaches them that their sexual impulses and desires are wrong and that they should bury them or ignore them. There is no evidence that repressing young men in this way will have any adverse psychological effects, and if it does, who cares? To quote one of my good friends in the US, “You’re a f–kin’ white male!”

Cartoon by Greenmyn.

A ‘respectful relationship’ is one in which the male is totally submissive to his female partner, whom he should worship as though a goddess, a kind of latter-day Venus of Willendorf. He should not judge her on her appearance or behaviour, no matter how ugly, erratic or hateful she is, was or will be. He should virtue-signal to his male friends by having a fat, feminist virago with a septum ring as a girlfriend (if he can!) because that is the most important thing. If he does land such a high-level woman, he should never boast about how she has ‘Daddy issues’ and is therefore ‘insane in the bedroom’. He should labour for her ceaselessly, buy her a house and jewellery and anything else she wants, and let her have the kids raised at daycare, where they will start out learning about Respectful Relationships. He should let her have an abortion whenever she wants, end the marriage whenever she wants, and do whatever she wants. And if he wants out, then let him pay spouse maintenance!

A straight white boy who wants another way to live their lives that does not involve being a misogynistic rapist has options (at least he does in Victoria!) First, he can transition. You want to know what it’s like to be a woman? Well then be one! The second option is to experiment with gay sex, and maybe even ‘go gay’! Come on, if it’s good enough for Greek philosophers and Roman emperors, then surely it’s good enough for you. Don’t listen to that stuff about how gay guys are ‘born that way’. A chap can get used to anything! As a wise man once said, ‘Anything that anyone else has ever done, you too can do’.

So, that’s my spiel on domestic violence, and how feminist theoreticians are labouring to wipe it out with Respectful Relationships. I’ll leave you with a plea for money. We are raising cash (to top up our annual $95,000 Commonwealth stipend for cultural expenditure) for our ‘Left Wing Boat Cruise’ in the Indian Ocean, where we will schmooze and drink wine with leftist celebrities and ABC people. Inspired by the Australia Day billboard featuring those two heroic hijab-clad prepubescents paid for by shadowy wealthy puppet-masters, we’ve decided to subvert an ‘Aussie’ icon of our own! Remember the racist singlet that had an Australian flag and the slogan, ‘If you don’t love it, then leave!’? Well, here’s our version:

Cartoon by Greenmyn.

I know, right? You have never seen such high-level virtue-signalling! This is the pinnacle. You are going to blow all your leftist friends away and make any alt-right creep you bump into want to scorn you derisively! You’ll be walking around saying, “What, you don’t love my singlet? Well, if you don’t love it, then leave! And check your privilege while you’re at it!” Priceless. It’s the best $40 (GST not included) you’ll spend this month. Order yours now from the Department of Inequality Studies Gift Shop.

  • Captain Haddock

    From the 4th paragraph onwards, this bears a frightening resemblance to the type of Clementine Ford articles that (mostly female) “adults” post on their Facebook walls…and what’s even worse is that some of these “adults” are raising children…

    Jesus wept.

  • Addelad

    Good fun to read, excellent satire; one quibble and I quote: “leftist celebrities and ABC people” is tautology

  • entropy

    Domestic violence starts with disrespect.

    If you think that means the way a woman disrespects her man and gets belted for it, you’re so very wrong.

    According to your tax dollars, it’s the way a man disrespects a woman’s right to do whatever the hell she wants to do.

    Domestic violence isn’t about two dysfunctional people having a dysfunctional relationship, it’s about misogynists hitting innocent victims for no reason at all.

    Respect a woman’s right to emotionally and verbally abuse you with impunity, because those things count as domestic violence, too… but only when men do them.

    • David Hiscox

      That’s it entropy. Domestic violence will only be solved when it is treated as a non-gendered issue.