ITF Announce 2019 Rule Changes to Prevent Future Sexism Scandals

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The world has been in a state of shock in these past few days in the wake of the truly horrific umpiring decisions that resulted in a WOMAN losing the final of the US Open on the weekend.

The match pitted the meek and mild-mannered Serena Williams against toxically masculine alt-right slimeball Carlos Ramos, who, in a shocking display of sexism, won the match easily by enforcing the rules of the game.

After the match, an emotional Williams stated:

“I’m here fighting for WOMENS rights and WOMENS equality and for all kinds of stuff and for me to break the rules of the game and for him to take a game made me feel like it’s a sexist remark, I mean, he’s never took a game from a man because he broke the rules, for me it blows my mind! I’m going to continue to fight for WOMEN and to fight for equal – like we should be able to take our shirt off without getting a fine, like this is outrageous.”

Mr. Ramos has not made any public remarks about his victory or responded to calls for the title to be stripped from him. Anonymous sources report he had scratched the pre-emptively engraved name of his opponent from the victory cup and was currently sculling beer from it and incoherently proclaiming his desire for a sandwich with great jubilation.

In response to this scandal, the International Tennis Federation has announced sweeping rule changes to be implemented in 2019. Most of the existing rules will be repealed and replaced with the slogan ‘WWHND?’ (What Would Hitler Not Do?) In addition, sexist umpires will no longer be able to enforce any rule against a WOMAN, aside from the two rules that prohibit the use of automatic firearms and some flamethrowers.

UFC boss Dana White, concerned about the potential migration of his audience to WOMEN’s tennis tournaments, has protested the changes, stating on twitter that they could promote a culture of unladylike conduct within the sport. On the other hand, reasonable centrist journalists and celebrities everywhere have stated that the reforms are not sufficient and the only way to implement true equality is to abolish umpires altogether, arguing that rules are a product of civilization, and civilization is an instrument of the patriarchy which must be destroyed.

Your XYZ is deeply concerned about sexist attitudes towards WOMEN in sport and wholeheartedly affirms these sentiments, as they are an inspiring example of what Hitler would definitely not be thinking.

Tennis Umpire Carlos Ramos, during the match.
  • fimbulwinter

    Good on the tennis for following the AFL’s example but there is still more to be done for true equality. Every match should be a gay pride match. Wilson raquets should be banned because they have a man’s name and men should identify as women and play in the women’s league. Their physical strength won’t matter because that’s an imaginary figment of the patriarchy. Also thin fit female tennis players who wear short skirts like Sharapova should also be banned because thats sexist. Finally, rename ITF to LGBT.

    • Micaiah

      LGBTITF perhaps?

      • fimbulwinter

        Great minds really do think alike.

        • fimbulwinter

          Although it has TIT in it. Might be too heteronormative

  • Addelad

    Rename her. She is hardly serene, but she is arguably a girl. Voila! Grla, suits her.

  • *raises right arm involuntarily*

  • Jai_Normosone

    “…aside from the two rules that prohibit the use of automatic firearms and some flamethrowers.”
    What a totally sexist and misogynistic idea to contemplate.
    Do WOMEN not have the right to select the flamethrower of her choice? Should they not be able to select the one in Misty Pink with pearl overtones?
    This is a situation that cannot be tolerated!