Hey you. Lefty. Turn that frown upside-down! It’s a good time to be a Leftist. You might not notice it, with all the talk about Brexit, Trump and Pauline Hanson, but it’s true.
We on the Left are not just turning things upside-down, but back-to-front, inside-out and topsy-turvy, and I’m going to show you how. Here is a non-exhaustive list of our accomplishments in the last thirty years or so. Thanks to our efforts, all of the following statements are now true:
1) Islam is a race.
2) Misogyny is when you try to stop the killing of unborn human beings.
3) Racism is right (‘as long as he’s male and white!’)
4) Islam is peace.
5) The Lebanese just don’t quite understand or value Australian culture… so we should encourage their culture and bring in more of them!
6) Putting up a billboard of two small girls wearing hijabs is fighting against oppression.
7) There are more than two sexes. Way more!
8) The expression ‘All lives matter’ is racist.
9) Fat, ugly women are physically attractive.
10) Using the word ‘guys’ is an outrage against common decency.
11) Jesus is the cause of global warming.
12) The Jews are bad again. (Especially Israeli ones!)
13) Qantas is a good airline.
14) Climate change is the greatest moral challenge of our lifetime.
15) Universities provide a much more useful education than they ever did before.
16) The louder the scream and the more passionate you seem to be, the more correct you are. Just like a four-year old at the checkout line at Woolies! Kids are smart and their ways are wise!
17) It’s okay to associate Republicans with the Grim Reaper or Satanism, but it’s not okay to call Julia Gillard a witch! Come on, guys! Women aren’t as tough as men! Go easy on her!
18) Women are equal to men. About time!
19) A man’s opinion about abortion, no matter how learned or reasonable he is, has no value due to the man’s gender. A woman’s opinion, on the other hand, is the only kind that counts… unless it’s from one of those annoying female anti-abortionists! Ugh! Aren’t they just the worst? They are like a pack of evil witches!
20) Insulting Julia Gillard is misogyny, but insulting Pauline Hanson isn’t. In fact, it’s great! Do it as much as you can! In fact, I’ll have a go now: “Pauline Hanson is frank and courageous!”
21) Old virtues like plain speaking and courage are patriarchal and white, and therefore bad!
22) A living, unique human being has no right to its own life if it happens to be still in the womb! And that is even though babies can be viable after as few as 22 weeks gestation! Sorry babies, you snooze, you lose… your lives!
23) On a scale of Kevin Rudd to Winston Churchill, all prime ministers should now aspire to be as close to Kevin Rudd as possible, in all ways!
24) The UN is an august, sage, highly respected body and is the highest moral authority on Earth.
25) Halal certification is right and good, and those who oppose it are evil bigots (…for some reason! Even I don’t understand that one! But I don’t want people to think I’m a racist! That’s the important thing!)
26) Spending other people’s money is fun, good and right!
27) Debt is dandy, especially when people who haven’t been born yet (yep, them again!) will have to pay it back! “Excuse me, waiter, may I have the bill, please? Um what? I don’t remember ordering that!” Ha ha, suckers! No ‘dine and dash’ for you!
28) Parking your hot rod in the neighbour’s ‘back garage’ is 100% equal to parking it in the front! There is not a single skerrick of inequality there!
29) Even we on the Left still can’t talk about the specific mechanics of gay eroticism, because we know it’s too unsettling for ordinary people! But it’s still equal!
30) No child in the world has a right to be raised by its own parents. Dumb kids! What do they know? Go to UWS and get a media degree, then come back and talk to me!
31) A child probably does better when taken away from its own mother and raised by two gay guys. Who needs women, right fellas? Dumb girls with their cooties! Yuck!
32) A child probably does better when denied its own father and raised by two lesbians. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, am I right ladies?
33) A child who likes dressing up as the opposite gender is definitely a tranny (I’m allowed to say that) so you should start transitioning hym, hyr or iyt immediately! Kids are smart! They know who they are better than anyone!
34) Domestic violence is bad… unless it’s part of Aboriginal or Islamic culture!
35) The TV show The Voice is transphobic for using a song in its advertising that says ‘we’re all someone’s daughter, we’re all someone’s son’. Um, no we’re not, disgusting and offensive transphobic bigots! Way to oppress us with sickening patriarchal cis-gendering! #boycottboygeorge!
36) The ABC is totally non-partisan and never ever disobeys is legal obligation to be impartial! As if it would do that!
37) The mainstream media is 100% reliable and unbiased, except Fox in the USA, which isn’t!
38) People who don’t agree with the Left don’t have a right to an opinion! Everyone else does!
39) Depression is not connected to spiritual health at all, because human beings don’t even have a spirit! Go back to your made-up sky daddy, dumb religious people! (Except Muslims! You’re never included when we say things like that!)
40) Life is meaningless!
So there you go. A pretty incomplete list, and there’s plenty more to go, as you can plainly see! For example, while I was heartened to read that federal Labor parliamentarian Luke Gosling announced that he started the year with a ‘dragon blessing’, we have to go further. What about a Baal blessing, Mr. Gosling? Or did you ‘just happen to forget’ that one? And what about Ashtaroth, hmm? In fact there are tonnes of gods we could be bending the knee to — animal shaped, human shaped, or a combination; or gods who are in rocks, rivers or mountains! C’mon, Lefties, don’t just stop at Aboriginal ancestral spirits, a moon god and dragons! Let’s be all-inclusive!
And getting more pagan worship into Australian life is just to name one thing. Oh, there are plenty more to go. Plenty! But I’m super-confident. We’ve got a great PM, and plenty of correct-thinking people in the right places in universities, the public service and the media. With your help, we can achieve our goals, and maybe get a top 100 next time!
But don’t forget: never ask us to explain in detail what those goals are! Because if you do, you’re a bigot! Besides, we don’t really know, anyway!