By Jack Tillie
Malcolm Turnbull has unveiled a bold and innovative new policy which experts say will create tens of thousands of jobs, massively boost the economy, end our dependence on fossil fuels, and bring all Australians together.
“Today is a very special day,” the Prime Minister told a packed Canberra press gallery. “Today, two of my most capable senior ministers, Greg Hunt and Christopher Pyne, have become women. They are, as we speak, women. Australia’s Minister for Innovation is now Greggina Hunt, and Christobel Pyne becomes Minister for Defence and Lady of the House. It is my firm belief that this will invigorate the Australian economy and rapidly move the budget into surplus.”
A hushed and reverent silence fell over the room as the two women—a little shy but very proud—sauntered out to flank their leader. Greggina Hunt explained how from the moment she put on a smart little cocktail dress, she realised how much more innovative she could be in her government briefs. Christobel Pyne, in a full-length teal-and-silver ball-gown, expressed deep satisfaction at the close shave she’d had with her seat.
As the two women spoke and twirled, choked sobs could be heard coming from assembled media throng, along with murmurs of, “…so beautiful”, and “…there is a god”. Michelle Grattan, however, did grate on people’s nerves a bit by continually begging to know how it was done.
Asked how such a wondrous and beautiful thing could be, Mr Turnbull explained that his personal donation of two-million dollars had provided the treatment, therapy and surgery required to start work on the urgent business of creating the country’s first “Safe Cabinet.”
“Of course 1.9 million went on Caitlyn Jenner’s consultancy fee,” The PM added, “but when it’s the country’s well-being at stake, I think it’s a small price to pay.”
At this point, the press conference was halted temporarily as an ABC journalist hyperventilated at the mention of Jenner’s name and had to be carried from the room.
Mr Turnbull resumed his speech, becoming a little emotional as he described his grand vision for Australia—sort of an NBN roll out in reverse, which would see all government members become women, even Marise Payne. “By the end of the year,” he croaked, a tear trickling down one cheek, “no Australian MP will be living in genital poverty. We will break the phallic shackles, remove the penile burden, and allow a thousand inner-beauties to bloom!”
Mr Turnbull added that he may have to tip in another 5 mill to get Scott Morrison over the line, and George Brandis may need to face facts and move quietly into the intersex community, but overall he didn’t foresee any great difficulties.
After a ten-minute standing ovulation, Mr Turnbull explained how it would save the country billions of dollars going forward. “Once all our party members successfully transition, there will be no need to hold elections, since it is unthinkable that any decent Australian would vote against them. It would simply be a waste of money on an unhealthy opinion poll.”
On his third and last curtain call—”I really must go, folks!”—Mr Turnbull wrapped up the news conference by saying with a big beaming smile, “There’s never been a more exciting time to be sexually ambiguous!”
Photo by HeelsandFeet