Report Reveals HR Departments’ $30 billion Drain on Economy: Recommends Abolition


From Wikipedia.


This Heinkel was used to destroy an HR department in south-western Perth. An independent study has revealed that Human Resources Departments may cost the national economy up to $30 billion annually. Initial feedback from business forums has reinforced this finding, with a general sentiment that HR departments are a waste of time and money, while several average punters have told The XYZ that “we could have told you this yonks ago.”

A spokesperson for the scientists behind the report provided some context:

“Our research suggests that the type of people who work for human resource departments tend to have the social skills which can get them through an interview process, but lack the intelligence to provide anything of value to an organisation.”

Health costs alone emanating from the running of HR departments is estimated to run into the hundreds of millions of dollars, mostly due to “morbid obesity”. Furthermore, it is believed that a staggering 37% of all bullying related disputes (BRDs) involve HR staff, with up to 90% of said BRDs related to “having their role devalued, to the point that they feel their job is worthless”.

Several NGOs have expressed alarm over the recommendation by the report that companies should consider trimming or even axing their HR departments, as this could disproportionately affect women’s involvement in the workplace. According to a spokesperson for the Greens:

“We have received advice from the Australia Institute that the organisation responsible for the creation of this report is merely a pseudo-intellectual front for a partisan political agenda on behalf of religious fundamentalists and white supremacists. We cannot believe that this thing could happen in the current year. The government should shut it down.”

However, business sources have informed The XYZ that their own real life experiences back up the findings of the report. One business owner tells us that since his company has eradicated its HR department, profits have soared. Moreover, staff morale and retention rates have increased significantly, with workers appearing to “look out for each other” and appearing to be more comfortable approaching management. Anecdotal evidence also suggests that “the blokes just seem to be more focused on their own work, for some reason.”

We spoke to a young mother Kylie (not her real name) who lost her job at an HR department three months ago. According to Kylie:

“I’ve never been happier. I remember my last day at work like it was yesterday. Somebody lit a big bonfire in the office courtyard, and somebody else said that was strictly against OHS regulations, but then we got all the OHS folders and threw them on the bonfire. Then we got all the sexual harassment, anti-bullying and diversity policy regulations we had written up over the years (it took three trips with the forklift) and threw them on the bonfire too. Finally, we incinerated all our computers, the back-ups, and those stupid rolly chairs. They had to get the fire brigade in. We got drenched. Then someone cracked open the booze. My husband had to pick me up at 3am, I was off my tits!”

We asked her how her family had coped financially since her retrenchment:

“We have had to cut back considerably on our spending, mostly to do with organised activities for the kids. I was really worried at first, but they seem quite happy about it. Our son reckons soccer is a stupid game anyway, and our daughter is relieved because she said her dance class was full of THOTs. Also, since they have both cut down from three instruments to one, they actually have time to practice. Some afternoons they spend hours on the piano and the violin. Plus they play cricket in the back yard or they just make up their own games. We feel like we have our weekends back. The other week, we actually made it to church.”

The young mother also says her health has improved since becoming a full-time mum:

“Now that I’m not eating cafe food all the time I have lost nearly five kilos. Being a mum is hard work so I am getting lots of exercise, school runs are still tricky but they don’t seem as rushed, and I am getting better sleep. Also, since my husband’s company slashed their HR department, they have been able to install a swimming pool with the money they saved, so he goes there every lunch hour, and they were even able to give him a small pay rise. Our situation has eased so much that we are actually working on having another baby, so naturally my husband is much happier these days.”

It’s your XYZ.

  • Bob Zeitlhofer

    I agree, bin the lot of them. When I started working more than 40 years ago, leave, pay etc was all done by an old bloke in a grey cardigan. When I retire a couple of years ago, there was a cast of 1000s doing HR, diversity, inclusion, International Women’s Day etc. A blight on the proper functioning of business.

    • Don’t forget to put these (UN) dates in your diary for November !
      Your HR dept wants you to observe these days.

      21 November
      World Television Day

      25 November
      International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women

      29 November
      International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian People

      30 November
      International Sock Puppet Day

    • im lost

      Sounds like you used to work for Telstra ?

  • Kevin Burke

    Hahha…fantastic …if only, life for all would be heading in the right direction

  • HR is not PC enough, it should be:

    Human Capital Management

    People Operations (Popular title among tech firms such as Google and Uber)

    People Resource Centre

    Talent Management

    Employee Experience

    Employee/Robot Success Centre

  • belt fed 7.62mm

    Also sack the legal and ethics deportments whose only function is to mandate compliance training, get rid of diversity managers and 95% of middle management, get rid of the lazy guy who sleeps all day but was hired to fill diversity quotas. Fire that whiny old hag that always does employee satisfaction surveys that always seem to conclude that the only way to improve business is to by getting more innovation or synergy or some other management buzzword. Stop outsourcing the jobs that actually produce the IP in favour of keeping the useless “support” business functions.

  • Grant Summers

    My Human Remains department keeps employing massive dick heads who do nothing but interview well. We used to be able to pick our own guys and things ran much better.

  • im lost

    OMG HR dept is full of liberal arts grads practicing cultural marxism