A march took place in Melbourne late this week, aiming to remove the stigma attached to the word ‘soyboy’. The slur indicates a man who, by consuming an amount of soy equal to his own bodyweight, has destroyed his chances of ever having offspring, and whose Green-voting, communist views have prevented him from ever becoming a productive member of human society.
The march, numbering several hundred persons, wound its way through Melbourne, stopping at various cafes, before ending at the steps of the State Library.
“So what’s the big deal about being a soyboy?” said a speaker, known only as Gus. “There’s nothing wrong with drinking so much soy that you’ll never conceive a child. It’s a very feminist thing to do. It means your girlfriend doesn’t have to spend money on contraceptives, which are an instrument of patriarchal oppression.”
One or two post-menopausal feminists shrieked their approval.
“Besides, soy is vegan, and it saves the lives of dairy cows. Milk is a form of rape, after all. It’s patriarchal appropriation of women’s bodies. I mean cows’ bodies, but it’s all the same in the end, humans and animals deserve the same rights,” with a nod towards three dreadlocked people carrying a banner reading “Animal Feminism”.
“We can be sure we’re in the right! We have the moral high ground. I’m not advocating morality, by the way,” he added hastily. “Everyone knows it’s all relative anyhow. But we can still hold our heads up high. We’ve been insulted long enough, it’s time to reclaim the insult and be proud of it. We all deserve to be proud of something, after all. Other words have been reclaimed, words like ‘queer’, and ‘slut’. So we can reclaim this one too, can’t we? Whatever insult is thrown at us, we’ll own it – that’s what we are! We are soyboys and we’re proud of it!”
Our reporter approached Gus after the rally for a short interview. It turned out that Gus is 28, studied at the University of Melbourne, and works as a barista in Brunswick. When asked what he would do if he got his girlfriend pregnant despite his soy consumption, Gus stressed that above all, he would not attempt to influence her in any way, but would completely support her decision to terminate the pregnancy. “I mean, I’m a man, who am I to have an opinion on this stuff? I’m just like, you do you, girl,” he added.
However, on further questioning, Gus admitted that he did not currently have a girlfriend. “Women just don’t like the nice guys,” he said. “I mean, I’m not like one of those internet incels or anything. I’m all about affirming women’s choices.”
When asked whether he affirmed women’s choice not to date soyboys, Gus realised that he had left his phone at the last vegan café he visited, and was unable to remain for further comment.
It’s your XYZ.